Middle Earth Mall
by Elethril
Summary: the finest selections of merchandise and services on the market!


Do grotesquely large spiders inhabit your local forest? Sick of being trapped in a cocoon? Well WORRY NO MORE because we've made a sword to eliminate those common woodland pests. Mega-Sting 3B50! It glows blue when orcs are close, made by the Elves you know. This fighting instrument will cut through the thickest of webs and strongest of hides, and it's only...4 EASY PAYMENTS OF 90 GRAMS OF PIPEWEED! Does not include shipping, handling, GST (Gondor Sales Tax), and MEST (Middle-Earth Sales Tax).  
  
Do you have facial hair somewhere you wish you didn't? Have you tried the traditional removal methods? Like caking your chin in fresh grease and setting it on fire? Or taking a shower, standing in the freezing cold and chipping off the ice with a sharp stick? These ways of facial hair removal can be timely and expensive. Why go to all that trouble when you can get the reliable Hobbit Raze 3000? Nicks the finest of hairs, leaving your face looking cute and innocent. Warning: Blades will snap if used on coarse foot hair.  
  
Hey kids! Are you depressed that you don't fit in at school? Do other students and teachers call you geek face or wimp person? That must hurt. What would it be like to do something slightly different one day and have everyone flock around you? We have a new stock of Orc-piercing kits. Be the hippest cat on the playground with twenty-five rings up the bridge of your nose! Be in with the punks with a chain connecting your ear to your eyebrow to your nose to your lip! Or go the extra mile and wrap a thick cord tightly around your head overnight to get a strangled, un-dead effect. Eye contacts and rotting teeth sold separately. Makes a great birthday present! Available at your nearest pit of doom.  
  
You've just battled a flesh-thirsty tribe of Orcs. You're hot, sweaty, dirty, and not exactly in any shape to be sneering at others less than you. We understand your strife. What you need is an Elftershine experience! Simply rub our product on your body and rinse...you'll have that ethereal glow back in simply MINUTES! Use Elftershine shampoo, conditioner, detangle spray, and shaping and styling mousse to have shimmering, knot free locks for centuries. Disorient your foes with a flick of your tresses. Buy seven Elftershine products and get a free HAIRBRUSH or LOOFA with your purchase!  
  
Your master giving you grief? Steward of Gondor getting you down? Well why not invest in a set of crudely made arrows imported from the cesspool of evil in Orthanc, Isengard? Used by former celebrity Uruk-Hai, Lurtz, these cruel arrows pierce even the most valiant flesh. Breaks the ice at parties! Come visit us and we'll give you seven novelty arrows FOR FREE! You will come visit us. It would be wise.  
  
You have a bicycle. A really stylish and swanky two-wheeler. It needs one more thing to give it ultimate awesomeness, but you can't figure out what! Do you have a horn? If not, maybe it's just what you need. But you don't want just any horn, you want a stylish and swanky horn, gosh darn it! You want the Horn of Gondor. Attach it to the handlebars and squeeze the rubber ball on the end to summon all the armies of the West. Top quality tunes are available to buy, ranging from La Cucaracha, S Club Party, and a wide selection of Tom Jones. To be eligible for this product you must be an heir with good intentions.  
  
Are you having trouble keeping the connection with your stone-dwelling loved ones? Always left out from Christmas parties? Not a birthday card in years? Is it getting to the point where you want to throw your axe into something yelling "ARRRghhhUAAAaahhh!!"? We know exactly how you feel. At DIP, short for Dwarf International Post, we value every message to be sent. Easily stay in touch with friends and family in Gabilgathol and Tumunzahar, even as far and remote as the Mines of Moria. If you want to enjoy malt beer and fresh meat off the bone with your kindred as often as you like, DIP will send all the invites onwards. IT'S THAT SIMPLE! 


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